dichotomy: noun
A division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities.
This word comes to mind tonight as I sit and wrestle through my thoughts and feelings. The past few days have been hard; I feel as though I have hit a wall while trying to adjust to being home. A mere 10 weeks ago, all that was on my mind in Cambodia was coming home. "Everything will be so great, so normal," I thought. These past few days I have felt everything but great and normal. Tonight as I sat and thought about my depressed, lonely feelings these last few days, I realized I am living in a dichotomy.
Here in California, I am living a fast-paced life of wealth and ease. I am miserable because I feel like I have no purpose. In Cambodia, I lived a slow-paced life of poverty and daily trials...yet there, I felt full of purpose and drive. Why was I so naive in thinking my life at "home" would be so lovely and normal? I should have realized that, after living a year in a totally new environment, nothing would ever feel normal again.
It doesn't help that I don't have a job yet: I love what I do, and I love working with and being around kids. I want a job. I love teaching, and I want to keep it up. Regardless, I feel as if my purpose in teaching here will never feel like my purpose felt like in Cambodia. I know, I know. I need to find out what God's purpose for me is here, bloom where you are planted...right? I've always been good at that, but I still feel like my purpose here won't be as great, as needed, as fulfilling as knowing I could walk down my street and provide a meal for someone who hasn't had one in a week. Knowing I could give a homeless person a dollar that could feed them for 3 days. In telling someone about the love of Christ, and seeing the excitement in their eyes because they had never heard that news before...and knowing it could literally save their life.
Although the needs of the Cambodian people were overwhelming to me most of this past year, they were that way because they were new needs and ones that I felt unequipped to solve. I got used to the ease of meeting needs in Cambodia, and the needs were in your face on a daily basis: beggar children following you while riding your bike, a limbless man managing his way down the street, or a sick elderly person riding on the back of a moto with an iv drip connected to their arm. Whatever the need, it was readily able to be met.
Where all this is going? I have no idea. I just needed a place to write, vent, and get my feelings out. I need a job, and I need to feel like I live a meaningful life. Sitting around all day is driving me nuts!!!
The importance of a creative outlet
1 year ago
3 comments:
Hey friend, how long did it take you to adjust in C? I bet it will take you just as long if not longer to readjust here and maybe here is not where you are meant to be...I can only imagine the great things God is showing you right now, you KNOW that your purpose is to serve Him wherever you are, whether you have a grat paying job or a job that gets you by the intent is to serve Him, hang in there you will see the fruit of all this soon enough. Praying for you.
A difference between here and there is that here, you have to seek-out those places and people that allow you the opportunity to "give back". Here is different because those in need are disguised by the wealth of their surroundings. There, the needy were more easily spotted.
As the old saying goes, "same, same, but different".
I know this is probably not going to make you feel better, Karie, but for what it's worth, we sure miss you out here in PP! It's just not the same "starting out" again without you guys! You were such a huge part of our fumblings and bumblings in the first few weeks and months, you guys were there for laughs and understanding. We were getting on a tuk with Map just the other day and he was chasing Maya and growling at her (he knows she's afraid of him!) and then he was yelling at other driver-friends passing by, and just being totally outrageous, and I just couldn't help but hear you laughing your head off at the hysteria of the chaos! I guess you had to be there, but you were here once, so I'm pretty sure you can understand what I mean! Anyways, we're getting along great, and are SO glad to be back, but it feels just funny without you guys here! I'm gonna keep reading so keep updating!
Post a Comment